


Súton

by RedWidow



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Anxiety, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Bang Chan is a Good Friend, Bang Chan is a Sweetheart, Character Death, Depression, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insomnia, Lee Felix (Stray Kids)-centric, Minho is mentioned for like a second, Minor Character Death, Past Child Abuse, Sad Lee Felix, Sorry Not Sorry, They’re just suffering, depressed lee felix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2021-01-31 08:36:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21443335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedWidow/pseuds/RedWidow
Summary: Súton (n.)Twilight, the approach of death or the end of something.-Felix realized his brain was like a pit at three in the morning when his insomnia hit hardest.
Relationships: Bang Chan & Lee Felix
Comments: 11
Kudos: 81





	Súton

**Author's Note:**

> Edit 21/06/20: in light of recent events on Stay Instagram/ Twitter and on the vlives, I want to say this story is ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. I am in no way assuming Felix’s or any of the other members’ mental states. This story was an outlet for me to project and prevent myself from doing anything drastic in a difficult time. Please read with caution, and keep in mind that nothing in this is true in regards to the boys.

Felix realized his brain was like a pit at three in the morning when his insomnia hit hardest.

He had always had problems, it wasn’t really a secret. His eight closest friends knew this too- they all tried to help him as much as possible, Felix just thinks that sometimes you can’t fix what’s broken.

He was staring out the window. The sky, as clear as a frosty spring morning, despite it being the depths of winter, was covered in stars. Each one, seemingly so close to each other, when in reality they were all millions of light years spaced apart. Felix felt as though he could relate to that space, as confusing as it sounded. The first time he tried to explain it to Chan was a mess, to say the least. He was better at explaining how he felt now, even if he didn’t like it.

—

“I’m like the stars, hyung. Everyone says they’re like the freckles on my cheeks, but they’re also my thoughts,” Felix murmured into the air, his head leaning on Chan’s shoulder.

“You’re thoughts are like the stars, Lix-ah? What do you mean?”

Felix sighed, leaning his head on the oldest shoulder. “My thoughts.... they can be so bright, like the stars themselves. Everyone thinks that they’re always that happy, like how when we look at the sky all of the stars are really close together. As if I’m always this sunny person who only sees the good in the world...” he trailed off, sighing again.

Chan hummed. He knew that this was hard for the younger to talk about, his childhood experiences and his anxiety created blocks, almost like walls, barricading his thoughts from other people, making him seem emotionless on the really bad days. He didn’t want to disturb Felix’ train of thought in the hopes of the younger finally opening up to him. They didn’t really know much about Felix yet, after all. He’d only been in Korea for two months, Chan was honestly impressed that he was opening up already.

“Do you ever get dark thoughts, hyung?” Felix asked.

“Dark thoughts? In what sense, Lixie?”

“Like... that your never going to be good enough? Or that, I don’t know, people just pretend to like you out of pity? Maybe.... maybe wanting to hurt? To feel something other that emptiness? Because I do..... a lot of the time I do.”

“Lix-ah.... I don’t know what to say. You know you can come find me, yeah? When you feel like that? I can’t say I’ve felt that bad, the most I have is the odd bout of insomnia...”

Felix smiled softly. He was glad that his hyung didn’t feel like he did.

“ It’s why I say my thoughts are like the stars, hyungie. The bright ones are so far away from each other, and I feel so empty, so, so empty, all of the time,” Felix sniffled. “I wish I didn’t, but I can’t stop them.... the bad thoughts. They’re infectious. They’re like how in space there’s no oxygen.”

Felix paused, and Chan grew confused. He was trying to understand what Felix was saying, but he was never good with connecting metaphorical dots on the top of his head.

“Like no oxygen?”

Felix hummed. “Yeah,” he whispered. “The good thoughts are all suffocated by them. Because of the lack of oxygen that the bad ones provide... like humans. We need oxygen to survive, right?” Chan hummed. “When we take oxygen away, we die... it’s what the bad thoughts do. They take away the oxygen, and they suffocate the good ones.”

Chan was shocked. He hadn’t noticed how deeply Felix was affected by his thoughts. 

“Lix, can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

Chan hesitated. Opened his mouth, and paused again.

Felix giggled. “You can ask anything, hyung. Especially after I just dumped all of this on you.”

Chan flushed. “Have you... have you ever.. harmed yourself?” He asked quietly.

The small smile left Felix’s face. He looked down at his hand, intertwined with one of Chan’s bigger ones, and closed his eyes.

“Of course, hyung. I’m not proud of it, but... yeah. I did.... I do.”

—

It seemed like such a long time since then, and yet it had only been five more months. Felix felt awful the next day, when he was alone to his own thoughts. How could he have dumped something like that on Chan ? How could he be so selfish? It plagued him to this day. He despised everything that he was, so deeply, that even though he told the others he had gotten better, he had really gotten worse.

He never told anyone what was really wrong with him. They knew briefly that his parents were abusive, and they knew that he had insomnia and anxiety but they didn’t know of the other things. Of the depression, the eating disorder, the social anxiety. He wanted to tell them, he just didn’t know how.

The black iPhone next to him lit up, Chan’s name popping up on the screen.

You up?  
(Received 4:07 a.m)

Mate when am I not  
(Read 4:08 a.m)

Lmao true

Meet me at the usual spot  
(Received 4:08 a.m)

Felix grabbed his long padded jacket and his headphones, making sure he had his keys, and left his small apartment. The usual spot was the roof of the apartment building Chan lived in, a five minute walk from Felix’s own building. It became their ‘spot’ after the first time they had a deep talk, somewhere for them to go to when it all gets too much.

Chan was already there when Felix reached the top of the stairs. His black hair was tousled, as though he was just after rolling out of bed, eye bags prominent under his eyes. He had on a thick hoody and a pair of tracksuit bottoms, a thick blanket over him and two flasks beside him. Felix settled down and pulled the end of the blanket, accepting the flask Chan handed to him quietly. They sat in silence for a few minutes, basking in the presence of the other, before Chan spoke up.

“How long has it been since we last saw you?”

It was a good question, Felix had to admit that. He’d been avoiding the group. He was terrified, terrified of them figuring out he’s after relapsing with his ed, something they didn’t know he lived with. He was ashamed, that he didn’t tell them, but also that he was too scared to get help. He didn’t have a death wish, that much he knew. He just... he just had shitty mental health, to put it bluntly. Shittier than most.

“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” Felix grimaced at the sound of his voice, scratchy from the lack of use. Come to think of it, he’s been avoiding society in general recently, not just his friends.

Chan hummed. “How’ve you been, Lix-ah? How to ol’ head of yours doing?”

The two sat in silence while Felix tried to piece together his thoughts. He didn’t know what to say- should be be honest? Should he open up about his life more? Could he trust Chan that much, so much that he could tell him everything that’s wrong with his life?

“Felix? You in there, mate?”

Felix started. “Sorry hyung,” he muttered, frowning at himself. 

“What’s up, Lix? You look kinda troubled there..”

Felix snorted. “When am I not troubled?”

Chan frowned. “I thought you said.. you said you were getting better?”

Felix looked at Chan, and Chan was taken aback by the look in the youngers eyes. They were empty, dull and lifeless, nothing compared to how they were the last time he saw Felix.

“I said that to make you all stop worrying... I’m sorry. It was stupid, I should’ve asked you guys for help, it’s all my fault, I’ve been ignoring you all and it’s not fair to you guys, you don’t deserve this-“

“Felix, calm down,” Chan soothed, rubbing the Australians back slowly to calm the now hyperventilating man. He was scared, if he was being honest. He’s never seen Felix in such a fragile state, not even when he had first told him about how he felt. At least he looked healthy back then. Chan couldn’t believe how small Felix looked. “You can talk to me, Lix, I don’t mind at all.”

Felix sniffled, trying to hold back tears. “I burden you enough, I shouldn’t..” he bites his lip harshly, drawing blood.

Chan sucks in a breath. “Felix, you’re hurting yourself,” he chides, reaching up a hand to wipe the blood from Felix’ lips. He saw the boy as a younger brother, and he couldn’t stand to see him hurting so much. “You can come to me whenever you need me Lix, remember? Always come find me, mate.”

Felix feels a tear drip down his face, like in the movies, when a single tear falls from the protagonists’ eye at the end. He knows this, he knows he can go to people, but he just doesn’t think he deserves to. Why should someone like him, something so disgraceful, go to someone like Chan, who has an entire galaxy in his eyes?

“Lixie, please.... we haven’t seen you in a month, and I’ve never seen you look this bad before. Please. Tell me, tell me what’s going on in your brain. Let me help you,” Chan begs.

A month? Has it really been a month? Felix lost track of time quickly, quicker than he thought. He must have been so obsessed with himself that he forgot about others.

“How rude, Felix. This is why you don’t deserve anything. Why you deserve this punishment.”

His mother used to tell him this, while she beat him black and blue in front of his father. His father, who didn’t care for his so, who preferred to drink rather than pay attention to his only son... Felix hated his parents. It’s almost sad, how when they were killed in that car crash, all Felix felt was relief. He wouldn’t have to go through that pain again. This was before his mind went to shit, though.

“I hadn’t realized it had been so long..” he mused, his deep voice seemingly deeper than usual. “Sorry, hyung. I didn’t mean to make you guys worry.”

“It’s fine, Lix. No one minds, we just want you to know that you are safe, that you can come to us when those voices inside your head get too loud.” Lookin at the younger, Chan noticed how he hadn’t touched the hot chocolate Chan had made for him. “Drink up Lix, it’s cold up here, and you’re so small, I worry that you’ll be freezing.”

“I’m not thirsty, hyung, but thank you for thinking of me anyways.” As he said it, his stomach growled angrily. When was the last time he had eaten? He couldn’t remember. Felix knew that it was bad but he couldn’t stop it. Should he tell Chan?

“Wow, Lix, when did you last eat?” Chan laughed lightly. “Do you want to go down to the apartment to get something?”

Felix panicked, not knowing what to do. “I- I think I’m okay, hyung. I don’t know what that was.”

Chan grew apprehensive. Why was Felix ignoring his question? Growing even more worried, he turned to the younger and took his hand tightly in his own. “Lixie? Do you... are you.. starving yourself?” Chan hated how scared his voice sounded, but he couldn’t get the image of Minho out of his head from when he had anorexia, a few years back. 

Felix’ head whipped around to look at Chan so quick that Chan was surprised he didn’t have whiplash. The younger was shocked, how could he have known? It was hard to spot an eating disorder, especially when it was so hidden, like Felix’ own.

“Hyung....”

“Shhh, Lix, it’s ok. It is, really,” Chan reassured the younger. “You don’t have to give me a straight answer, but if you want to talk to someone about it, you could go to the resident car lady.”

“Minho hyung? He has one?”

Chan shook his head. “Not anymore, thankfully. But he used to. It’s helpful, talking to someone.”

“But hyung is so perfect.. he doesn’t need to change at all.”

“And neither do you, Lix. You just need to try to see yourself more positively, I guess. You have your life ahead of you, you are important too. You know that, right?”

Felix snorted bitterly. “I’m not important, hyung. Important people have a loving family, they have happy minds. The most trouble important people face are whether or not they like the songs in the charts. They don’t have depression. They don’t have an eating disorder, or social anxiety, or anxiety in general. They... they don’t want to die, hyung. They don’t want to escape the hell that is the world, because they know that they deserve to live. I’m not important. If I were important, then maybe my parents would have been kind.”

“Felix...” Chan stared at the anguished boy with pity in his eyes. How could he not have noticed? How could he have missed how tortured the younger is? Oh, how much he longed to just take away the bad thoughts running through Felix’s mind and lock them in a box.

“Don’t, Chan. Don’t try to save something that’s not worth saving.”

Felix scrambled up. He could feel a panic attack brewing, he knew he had to get away. “See you soon, hyung.”

“Felix, no- wait, hold on a second-” Chan struggled to untangle himself from his blanket, but was too slow.

Felix was gone.

Years later, Chan finds a photo album in a box he’s clearing out. It’s cover is plain black, he had no memory of buying it. When he opened it, he found pictures of his nine best friends. All of the pictures were bright, happy, beautiful. But nothing was more beautiful than the last photo. It was one of him and Felix, when they went to Australia about a week after the night they first spoke on the old rooftop. They were happy, eyes shining, basking in the sunlight on the beach. The photo was taken on a Polaroid camera, it felt magical. Nostalgic, even. Below it, written in deep black ink, in handwriting Chan hasn’t seen in years, says:

‘Thank you, Hyung. For everything. I love you.

Lee Felix’ 

Chan often wishes he said goodbye to Felix that night, before he left the rooftop. He says it to him now, of course, looking up at the stars, through his music, his lyrics. He hates that he didn’t back then.

After all, the worst goodbyes are the ones that are never said.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work here! Kudos and comments are greatly appreciated!
> 
> Also I’m sorry lmao this was meant to be soft and fluffy, but......


End file.
